The writer has used some quite wordy sentences here. It’s a dense block of text, made up of three long sentences without much light and shade.
By breaking up some of those long sentences, we can bring a bit more rhythm to this piece of writing. We’re aiming for a mixture of short and long sentences.
We could also try rewriting some of the wordier parts altogether. Obviously, we don’t want to lose any of the information the writer has included. This is just about finding shorter ways to say the same things.
Let’s see what difference those tactics make:
With a few subtle changes, we’ve brought a sense of rhythm and pace back to the text. It’s easier and more interesting to read, and it no longer looks like a big clump of words on the page.
They’re quick. They’re punchy. They catch your reader’s eye.
Here are three top tips for using them in your writing:
Mix it up
Whatever you’re writing, short sentences can help to break up the text.
Great writers use a mixture of sentence lengths. Next time you’re reading a good article online or in the newspaper, look at the sentences. You’ll usually find a mixture of long, medium and short sentences.
You can use a short sentence after a longer one to underline your point or simply to add rhythm:
We believe that some students have been taking books out of the university library, removing the covers and placing them on a different book to return to the library. This is theft.
After your visit to Wafflington Cathedral we recommend that you cross the Southgate Bridge to Drawnbeck Hill. The view is spectacular.
Watch out for the runaway sentence
A ‘run on’ sentence is a sentence that runs on and on and on:
On Saturdays we come in at 8am so that the trampolines are set up in time for the Kids’ Club but on the first Friday of every month we have an evening session for primary school children so on those weeks we can leave the trampolines out overnight so we don’t need to come in until 8.30am.
Wow.
That is a monster sentence. Let’s try and break it up into more manageable chunks:
On most Saturdays we come in at 8am to set up the trampolines in time for the Kids’ Club.
However, on the first Friday of every month we have an evening session for primary school children. On those weeks we can leave the trampolines out overnight so we don’t need to come in until 8.30am.
Much better.
Divide and conquer
As a writer, it’s easy to get carried away. You might not be in the habit of writing ‘run on’ sentences, but perhaps you are rather partial to a sentence that (like this one) is somewhat longer than it really needs to be.
Here’s another example of a long sentence:
Although the first set of results might lead us to assume that Agro Fertiliser was the most effective product, the subsequent tests show that the RadiGrow Formula was in fact the standout product overall.
This is a perfectly fine sentence, but we can make it better. Let’s see if we can divide it up a bit.
The first set of results might lead us to assume that Agro Fertiliser was the most effective product.
However, the subsequent tests show that the RadiGrow Formula was in fact the standout product overall.
A very simple tweak gives us two shorter sentences. It’s quicker to read and easier to follow, but still quite formal. If you were writing a report, for example, this would work well.
But what if we wanted the sentences to be even shorter?
Look at the first set of results. Agro Fertiliser seems to be the most effective product.
However, the rest of the tests tell a different story. It turns out that the RadiGrow Formula was the standout product overall.
With a little more work, we’ve ended up with four even shorter sentences. Very short sentences aren’t going to be appropriate in every context but they’re a great way to catch your reader’s attention and keep them reading.
Ready to start cutting down those sentences? Come back on Thursday for sentence trimming practice in the Write for Real People Workshop.
The passive voice is finally having its moment. It may not be as dynamic or direct as the active voice, but as we’re about to find out, it does have its special uses.
Let’s take a look at this letter:
It’s clear, concise and to the point, but perhaps it’s a little on the harsh side. It sounds almost as though poor Mrs Witherby has done something wrong.
The writer has used the active voice throughout the letter. In most scenarios, the active would be the best choice, but there’s a rather accusing tone to it here.
This is one of those rare occasions when it’s better to be indirect. The passive voice is great for taking the edge off an accusation and that’s exactly what we need here.
By using the passive voice, we’ve softened the tone and let Mrs Witherby off the hook. It’s a much less confrontational letter as a result.
The active voice or the passive voice. Which one do you naturally gravitate towards? Let us know in the comments below:
In the last couple of blogs, we’ve been singing the praises of the active voice. So clear. So direct. So full of energy.
But this week, it’s the passive voice’s time to shine.
As much as we’ve been slating the passive voice for its ambiguity, sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Here are three situations when the passive voice can save the day:
The Whodunnit
Sometimes, you just don’t know who did it. The passive voice is the ideal option when there’s no clear ‘doing’ person.
For example:
My car was stolen on Wednesday.
The house was built in 1876.
The Sensitive Subject
If you’re writing about a difficult topic, the passive voice can be a gentle way to avoid awkwardness. Perhaps it’s an uncomfortable topic for the reader. Maybe you are reprimanding the reader but don’t want to sound confrontational.
In these situations, the active voice can sound a little harsh:
The dentist will make an incision in your gum and pull the tooth out using plyers.
You have not paid your electric bill, so we will be cutting off your electricity.
The passive voice softens the tone:
An incision will be made in the gum and the tooth will be removed using plyers.
As the electricity bill has not been paid, the electricity supply will be cut off.
Beware of using the passive too much when you’re cautioning or criticising the reader. It can all too easily sound passive aggressive.
The Dodge
When you or your organisation have messed up, the passive voice is one way of dodging the full force of the blame.
The active voice forces you to identify the culprit, even if it’s you:
We have lost your application and did not keep a copy on file.
The passive voice allows you to skulk in the shadows a bit:
Unfortunately, your application has been lost and a copy was not kept on file.
It’s a good trick to know for emergencies, but use with caution. As tempting as it may be to keep pulling the passive out, it’s often overused. Readers tend to appreciate a direct confession rather than a vague dodge.
So, there you have it. The active voice is usually the way to go, but the passive voice does have its uses.
Come back on Thursday to see the passive voice taking centre stage in our Write for Real People Workshop.
On Monday we put on our grammar hats and looked at the difference between the active and passive voices. We also discovered that the active voice is usually the best way to go.
With all this new knowledge, we’re ready to start putting the active voice into action.
Here’s a letter that could do with our attention:
The writer has used the passive voice throughout this letter. Once you start using the passive, it’s hard to get out of the habit…
The result is a rather impersonal tone and a few key gaps in the information for the reader. It’s not clear who will be looking after the reader’s child. It all sounds a bit vague and uncaring, which is not exactly what you’d want for your child’s school.
Let’s see if we can help this writer bring some warmth and clarity back with the active voice:
By introducing the active voice, we’ve also introduced Mrs Gill, the teacher. Now we know who is going to be registering the children and taking them to their classroom.
We’ve also addressed the parents directly by asking them to bring and collect their children, rather than simply implying this via the passive voice. It’s all sounding much friendlier.
Using the active voice can transform your writing. Most of the time…
Come back on Monday for three dilemmas that only the passive voice can resolve…
It’s clear, concise and to the point, but perhaps it’s a little on the harsh side. It sounds almost as though poor Mrs Witherby has done something wrong.
The result is a rather impersonal tone and a few key gaps in the information for the reader. It’s not clear who will be looking after the reader’s child. It all sounds a bit vague and uncaring, which is not exactly what you’d want for your child’s school.
By introducing the active voice, we’ve also introduced Mrs Gill, the teacher. Now we know who is going to be registering the children and taking them to their classroom.
Sarah de Mars 